February 2015. 6 years of blogging - almost.

Happy New Year 2015, Birthday, 6 years have passed. 2014 - review in pictures.

"It's not like if I have you I don't need anything else."

Oh, fuck it.



Why do we even bother planning things and dreaming?
It never goes as planned or imagined anyway... 

Last year around this time of year I had a sparkle in my eye and a fire in my heart and now, well... my old self is looking at me and is asking flabbergasted "Well, what the actual fuck just happened?!"

Well, it's just something different,  and actually better than expected. It's something I can definitely work with, but... even though everything's going great, something is missing.

I suppose it was never supposed to be there, right?


Maybe one day I'll learn how to handle it better. Or avoid it from the beginning. 


And I'll get surgery. And I'm scared as hell. 
And I was scared as hell this past weekend too. First weekend working alone. Night shift. A 21 story hotel in my responsibility.

If, in 2011, you would've told me what will happen 3 years from then, I would've either laughed my ass off or cried my eyes out. I'm not precisely known to take the easy ways out anyway.


Sparkle in my eye and fire in my heart now once again, but for different reasons. 

Japanese lessons starting next Monday <3 span="">

2014 is full or surprises alright. 2 months left. Bring it.




"One day I'll stand with a crown on my head like a queen."

October 2014.

Been awhile.



5 years later and I'm beginning to be a bit satisfied with my self-improvement. 

Things have started heading into the right direction lately and I couldn't be more happier. It feels as if I've woken up from a long sleep. Far too long really. Eyes wide open.

I've been reminded of my true self and words, ideas, people and smiles have struck a chord. You know, it's finally vibrating on the same frequency. 

Time to loosen some bonds and tie other ones. 
Now, now, darling, it's textbook stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up, so no hard feelings.

Student, employee, hotels, exams, VP of a student organisation, focus, parties. 
I close my eyes and exhale with satisfaction.



Closer. 


Interesting article:
http://www.businessinsider.com/waking-up-at-430-for-21-days-2014-9?utm_content=buffer21e80&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Make love, make money, make a difference, connect!

So... I guess everyone has gone, is going and will go through similar situations. 

And everything's going alright, can't really complain.

But then again ... there's something missing. Well, it's there, but the perception of it... well, perception is always a bitch, isn't it? Cause we tend to think of it by comparing it to our expectations and reality is 99,9% of the time different. And of course, just cause it's not as we expect it, it doesn't mean it's not alright. 

But then there's that gap... the feeling of something missing, of disappointment. 

The misinterpretations. The more you know, the more reality will hurt. But you just have to know the truth. Cause the bitter truth is better than living a lie.

But then, "Ignorance is bliss" and "Believe and don't doubt".

How to strip everything and get to the core of things? 
No sugar-coating, no lies, no misinterpretations, just straightforward communication. 

Connecting to others. 

There're always walls of some sort. Real or imaginary. 

But then, i see walls and I'm not spewing my thoughts and feelings straightforwardly. So I'm guilty. The insecurity which stems from no motive. 

But then, what have I got to loose? What do I win? I loose the connection, I win a heartache. But as most will say, at least you'll know the truth. But the truth is painful and the pain is intensifying exponentially. So, as each minute goes by, the heart grows, grows, grows until it ends up a huge apricot big enough for two, but what if there'll be no "two"? The huge apricot heart will be too huge for one, loneliness. 

And do the ones I care about care about me? 

Then, unconditional care and love are offered without expecting anything in return, because the energy cannot be bottled up, it has to circulate, it has to flow. 

And there's no external solution. 


And it's foolish. 


When will we learn to not give a damn, be heartless and go through life unaffected? 

But without vulnerability there'll be no true connection.


And we all die alone. At least as far as it's known. 


And bottom line, you win some, you loose some and if the heart aches, then it means you have one and it's there, working, pumping blood and keeping ya alive. 


Why does it feel I'm loosing something when I still have it and things are going great?


Worrier par excellence. 


You're here, I'm here, we're both here so that's great.
For unconditional care and love, you know where to find me. 

Signed, 
Yours truly

Confusing times.

I'm tired and in pain. But it's my fault. 

Every action (or the absence of it) has consequences. 


The more I categorize and analyse information, the more I feel the need to distance myself from things. 


Believe and do not doubt. 


Stupid people are more successful because they only know 1 thing: they want that and they'll get that, no matter what. 

The smarter you are, the more you doubt and over-think things.

The 1% improvement required. 


"But let him ask in faith, without wavering, for he who wavers is like the waves of the sea which the wind troubles."


"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"


But it's alright. There is a solution for everything and the tables are turning. Change is upon us, for the better.


Probably my plan is not exciting enough since there's still procrastination and a blue feeling from time to time. 

I need something to burn for. 


I talk about freedom, yet I'm still bound. By what? What's keeping me? 

Physically speaking, my spine. 
Mentally... worrying too much.

Fuck it. Matt G. Gubler can do it, I can do it!

Aaaah, I need someone to daydream with. 

Screw it, let's do it!